Even though we ain’t got money, I’m so in love with ya, honey

I run the finances at our house, and by that I mean that I track every single cent that enters and leaves our account. I have spreadsheets that would impress John Nash. It’s actually kind of a hobby of mine. I monitor our account so vigilantly that if The Husband makes a purchase, I’m usually texting him as he’s walking out of the store…

Me:  Whatcha doin’?

The Husband: Nothing

Me: Oh really? Are you sure you’re not leaving Walmart? Because someone just spent $14.17 there. Using your card. What did you buy? 

The Husband: ….deodorant and toilet paper.

So anyway, this week he decided to take Boy Two to see Transformers. The movie is apparently not even kid appropriate since Boy Two said there were “one thousand cusses” in it, but the cussing was not the main issue with the trip to the movies. The main issue was that it cost $38.10 for one adult and one child to attend a movie. Unbelievable. I wanted so badly to tell The Husband what a ridiculous expenditure this was, but I couldn’t.  Here is why:

Last weekend, against The Husband’s wishes, I threw a total (family friendly) rager complete with 101 guests, beer, a DJ, a bounce house, a little more beer, food, fireworks, etc. Typically I wouldn’t approve of such a frivolous expenditure, but I decided to loosen up just this once. Here was my thinking: Remember all of the times your parents said, “OK, well you go ahead and do that – when I’m not the one paying your bills.”? I do. And by that token, I should have been throwing huge parties for quite a few years now, but this was the first one. Because while my parents were going on about all the cool things that would happen once they weren’t paying my bills, they forgot to also explain that I would actually be the one paying them. They let that part be a surprise. Adulthood is the great deception of life.

Anyway, the party was big, but I was able to trim costs quite a bit. Everyone brought food, the fireworks and bounce house ended up being provided by a couple of benevolent guests, and the DJ gave me the family discount. It did, however, slightly exceed our standard monthly budgeted amount for fun, which is approximately two dollars.

The Husband was against the party from the beginning, not because of the expense, but just because he’s not into large crowds or big events (and he hates it when I get fixated on a project like this). He complained, but I wasn’t hearing it. This was my chance to prove that adulthood doesn’t have to be complete drudgery, so I forged on. And guess who was one of the last ones still partying long into the night, hours after most of the guests had left and I had gone to bed (a/k/a fell asleep on the porch). Yep, The Husband. He paid for it the next morning when we had to deflate the bounce house, wrangle it into its bag, and hoist all 7,000 pounds of it into his truck, in the hot blazing sun, still slightly inebriated, so that it could be returned to the rental place before noon to avoid additional charges. Welcome back to reality, folks.

Anyway, I got off track here so let me get back to my point. The movies are expensive. Don’t go there. Don’t pay $40 for your kid to listen to one thousand cusses. Wait until it comes out in stores. Better yet, find a way to download the pirated film online for free (plus attorney fees if you get busted). Or even better yet, cuss at your kid yourself, just don’t waste your money on the movies. But also don’t scold your husband for frivolous purchases just days after you’ve completely blown your budget out of the water for a big party that he wanted no part of – even if he did end up having a good time. Don’t do that because you don’t want divorced, but also because, if you do, you won’t get to do it again next year. And you want to do it next year – only bigger.

For that reason alone, I didn’t say a peep about the expensive movies. Instead, I used that time to start planning for next year’s party. I’m thinking elephant rides, a jumbotron, and possibly one of those t-shirt cannons.


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